Bringing out the Genius

I came into parenting with the belief that the right environment and nurturing could turn any child into a gifted child.  Now I believe that genes probably have something to do with it, but I still think giftedness can be coaxed out of children.  If nothing else, you'll develop a deeply meaningful relationship with your child.

Bringing out the genius in your kids is more about your mindset than your method.  Here are a few important principles that have set the foundation for my method of parenting:

1. Don't belittle your children.  

When the father of Malala (the youngest ever Nobel Peace Prize recipient) was asked why his daughter is so strong, he replied, "Because I didn't clip her wings." (see his TED talk here)  Children are born with their own unique set of gifts, strengths and talents that will manifest naturally if they are not held back by their parents.

I have seen parents acting like they believe their children are insane, idiotic, or out to get them. That mindset will clip your children's wings for sure.  It'll generate criticism and contempt which creates an environment that is unfit for learning, creativity, and growth.  

2. See your child for the amazing beings they are.  

Human beings are incredible! The things people are capable of doing are astounding, whether the person is gifted, mentally or physically handicapped, or wonderfully average.  Think of what the most intelligent animal in the world is capable of: mimicking voices, communicating with sounds, creating basic tools, doing tricks.  Human children- even as young as a year old- are capable of vastly more than this.  The human brain is phenomenal.  Remembering this helps me to see and appreciate the incredible things my children do and the amazing beings they are.

3. Nurture curiosity and a love of learning in yourself. 

Our kids see us reading, spending money on audio books & spending time listening to them, asking questions & seeking out the answers, and getting excited about things like trips to the planetarium.  They learn to value these things because we value them.

4. Never try to force learning.

I remember watching a father try to force his young son to talk.  The boy was, in the dad's mind, plenty old enough to be talking.  As the dad engaged in a battle of wills with his son, the son closed off more and more until the dad, angry and tired, finally quit.  Force only breeds resistance and resentment.  We always keep learning fun and light especially with young children.  If they decide they aren't interested anymore, we move on.  We neither clip their wings nor push them off a cliff to try to force them to fly.

These four principles have helped us create an environment in our home where are children feel safe to take risks, try new things, and pursue their interests.  

Amelia Earhart

Who Was Amelia Earhart?
Ben and I are always looking for great books to share with our kids.  We knew about the "Who Was" series and were excited to see that we could buy them on Audible.  We've been listening to Who Was Amelia Earhart when we go places as a family.  One Sunday afternoon we were nearing our destination and the story was coming to a close.  Amelia had broken numerous flight records, fought for women's rights, and died after nearly flying around the entire globe.  The narrater ended the story with an inspirational message- something like "Amelia Earhart showed that if you work for your dream, you can do anything you want."

To which Athena replied matter-of-factly, "Except fly around the world!"

"Pi-yot"

During bath time today Dimitri asked, "Do pi-yots only have one eye?"  I answered, "No, they need two eyes so they can see where they're flying." And then returned to washing baby Lizzy.
"No! Do pi-yots only have one eye!?"
"I think you're thinking of a cyclops."
"No! You're wrong! Pi-yots! ... Pi-yots!  It has an R in it."
I finally got it.  "OH PIRATES! Yes, pirates are often portrayed with one eye and a patch over the other."
At this he gave a satisfied smile and went back to playing with the bath toys.

Ah the joys of being able to spell when you're 3.

Fascinations

My little gifties have gone through many periods of fascination with various things.  I do whatever I can to encourage their little loves.

At 18 months old Athena had a fascination with the moon.  She'd point it out anytime she could and ask to go out at night to see it.  I'd make up songs about the moon and sing them to her.  I came up with a little tune I could play on the guitar and played the song while she danced around.

Around that same time she was also learning sign language and loving that!  We'd watch Signing Time videos together and practice every day.  I recorded in her journal all the sign language words she knew and it was over 50 signs.  We couldn't always understand what she was saying so her knowing so many signs really enhanced our ability to communicate.

Dimitri has had different fascinations than Athena.  At 1 1/2 he loved to write.  He took chalk and just drew all over everything with it.  At first I thought it was drawing he loved but as time went on I could see that it was a fascination with letters, not drawing, that inspired him.  He began asking me to write different letters and he'd watch as I did.  Every day, all day, he'd make his requests, "Write an A!" "Write a B!" "Write a T!" "Write an O!"  I did my best to encourage this by happily pulling out a paper and pen and writing the letters he asked for but I had other things to do as well!  Once while making dinner the requests started again "Write an H! Write an R!"  I explained that I'd love to but I'm making dinner right now.  He kept asking so I got a paper and pencil out and handed it to Athena (who was about 3 at the time).  "Here, honey, write letters for Dimitri."  I didn't think she could actually do it, I just thought she would pretend and it'd be enough to distract Dimitri while I made dinner.  Suddenly Dimitri started yelling "i! i! i! i!" Sure enough, she had written an I.  She wrote a few other letters that day as well- i, H, T, and O.  Not too long afterwards Dimitri was writing letters himself.  His favorite thing was to write his name. Everywhere.  On paper, cement, doors, in legos, with play dough. Oh, he loved it.



About a year later Dimitri was fascinated by something else: US Geography.  We bought a puzzle of the United States and he was so fascinated by it that I drew up a US map on some butcher paper and we all colored it together.  Dimitri is so fun to watch when he gets excited.  He jumps up and down, claps, and exclaims "Yes! That's it!"  He would see states in his food. He would see states in cracks in the cement, he saw them everywhere.


We had so much fun with it.  We learned a states song, colored pictures, talked about which states extended family members lived in, imagined visiting new states, discussed animals and plants that lived in different parts of the country, and put that puzzle together hundreds of times (always singing the song and pointing to the states once we got it together).  We found a map painted on the ground at a park and oh he went crazy for that!  He loved it so much that I formed a whole preschool curriculum around world geography.  But that's another story.

The Lorax- Memorized

When Athena was 2 she loved to have The Lorax read to her over and over and over.  Pretty soon she had it memorized and could recall it with just a few cues.

The whole recording is 17 minutes long so I cut it down to 5 because even though it's adorable, 17 minutes is too long. :)

"You're So Smart!"

Dimitri (age 3) found some number flashcards when we were at the lending library.  He wanted to put them in order but half the numbers were on one side an the other half on the other.  So I told him that he could order them either from 1-50 or from 51-100.  He enthusiastically picked 51-100 and set to work.  He located the 51 and put in on the floor then found the 100 and put it next to the 51.  "51, 52, 53, 54..." he said as he moved the 100 card further and further from the 51.  He continued this way until he got to 100 and left the card in it's spot.  "There!" For the next 30 minutes he searched for the cards he needed (he had mixed them up and scattered them all over the table) and put them in order on the floor from 51 to 100.  He was totally focused - in the zone.

When he finished we all cheered!  For my part that was partially because he did great work and partially because I had needed to go to the bathroom since he hit the 60's and was now ready to burst.  I just didn't want to interrupt him when he was in the flow.  AH! The flow!!

The woman who runs the lending library asked me if she could give him a treat for being so "good."  I said yes but wish I would have said, "Yes, but please praise him for his work and not for being smart or good."  I'm still working on having the courage to say what I want to say, Sara Bareilles, but I'll get there someday.  So she said, "Dimitri, you are so smart!! Would you like a treat?" and to include my daughter (who is usually noticed second because she's not a performer and she's not as young as Dimitri) she said, "And Athena, you have been so good too, would you like a treat?"  I have so many problems with this system of "You're Good! You're Smart! Have a cookie!" but I love this lady so much- she is amazing.  I just didn't have it in me to ask her not to do it.

A week later we were walking to the lending library again when Athena (age 4) asked me, "Hey Mom, when we do something good at the lending library will you tell us we did a good job?"
"Sure!"
"But don't say it quietly or whisper it in our ears."
"Ok..."
"Just tell us how good we are and say it loudly!"
Suddenly I got it.  "Are you trying to get Cheryl to give you another treat?"
"Yeah!! So just tell us we're smart loud enough that she can hear!"

And... I'm the kind of person who can't leave a well thought out plan like that undone. So we did it.  And they got their treats.

Preschool

Homeschooling was always part of my plan for Athena & Dimitri.  By the ages of (almost) 2 and (barely) 3 they were voraciously eating up any information that I fed them so Preschool sounded like a great way to continue their education even though it was a bit "early" for it.  After I started I realized that my kids actually behave better when they have structured learning time during the day!  They have this intense curiosity about the world and Preschool served as a means of directing that curiosity so they didn't feel the need to empty out my cupboards or find out what happens when you drop a vase etc.  They didn't really have time for it either.  We'd fill up the morning with 2 or 3 hours of Preschool (that included a 1/2 hour snack time) followed by some outside play time, lunch, and quiet time.

Preschool was always fun.  If one of my kids wasn't having fun we'd switch activities.  We rarely did any activity for more than 10 or 15 minutes.  They loved it!  I found short YouTube videos on letters, numbers, colors, and such and we'd watch one or two each day. In addition to that I had a character trait of the week.  We focused on honesty, integrity, perseverance, kindness, etc.  We'd talk about one for a week and then move on to the next one.  Some of the preschool activities centered around these virtues.  We'd go to the library once a week to get new books and Leapfrog or Signing Time videos. I babysat a little girl a few days a week and she'd join in on the fun.  She really enjoyed our little preschool as well.

I think one of the most important things about doing preschool with my kids was the focused attention they got from me.  It was mommy and kids time and they loved it!  And it gave me a good reason to step away from chores and other household duties and just focus on getting to know my kids, finding out what they loved and then creating games, activities and projects around their interests.

Nature Walk

A few Sundays ago we went hiking with some friends.  It was wonderful to be out in nature seeing new things.  Athena got to hold a snake for the first time, we came across a crows nest with little baby crows in it and we saw a variety of wild flowers.  Athena loves picking flowers and giving them to people!  I try to explain that we should leave them for others to enjoy but she is a gift giver and cannot resist.  She found a small stem with two little flowers on it and handed it to my husband saying

"Here dad, this represents you and mom on your wedding day."

Gifties Challenges: Sensitivities and Anxiety

Gifties often feel deeply and intensely.  In my childhood this intense ability to feel manifested in a few different ways.  On the one hand I was very empathetic, especially towards animals.  On the other hand I had extreme anxiety and fear relating mainly to lightning, thunder, and wind but extending to large crowds and loud noises and even things like ants and bees.  What I felt, I felt intensely.

Empathy

Many of the strong empathetic memories I have are from when I was around 13 years old.  One day as I sat in the kitchen looking out into the backyard I noticed that our cat had caught a mouse and was playing with it.  I thought it was terribly unjust so I went outside with the intent to save the mouse.  Our cat grabbed it and headed underneath the trampoline to play with it in peace.   I slowly crawled underneath the trampoline hoping to get close enough to snatch the mouse away.  The cat, annoyed by this, grabbed the mouse's head in his jaws and growled at me.  I was horrified but determined.  I snuck just a little closer and as I did, glaring at me, he crunched down on the mouse's skull.  I ran inside and cried.  I felt I was partially to blame for the mouse's death.

Around this same age, I went vegetarian. I had heard that animals weren't treated well on factory farms and in an effort to boycott them I stopped eating meat.  I hung pictures of little de-beaked chickens and cows wallowing deep in their own manure on my bedroom wall to help me always remember them and stay strong in my resolve not to eat meat.  I shared this knowledge with the people around me and begged them, especially my mother, to stop eating meat.  Nobody listened.  I remember one night at the dinner table crying, "How am I supposed to change the world if I can't even change my own family?!"

Last year as we were doing a GEOPuzzle of Europe, I mentioned that Russia had invaded Ukraine and they were trying to take over.  Since then our little 4 year old, Athena, has brought it up several times.  "Mom, can we move to Ukraine and fight the Russians so that they don't take over?"  I always try to validate her concerns and then also help put them to rest so that she doesn't get anxiety over it.

Anxiety

My anxiety during thunderstorms was debilitating as a young child.  Even when it merely looked as if it would rain I begged my mom not to make me go to school.  I'd feign sickness, plead, cry, and refuse to get out of the car until often she would relent.  If I did end up going to school and a storm started I'd sit terrified in my seat or ask to call my mom.  Sometimes I'd ask to go see the nurse because of a "stomach ache."  I felt bad about lying and tried to justify it by convincing myself that I really did have a stomach ache.  When I was at home during a thunderstorm I'd hide under a blanket until it was over.  I don't remember my mom ever getting angry with me about these episodes but I know it must have been difficult for her.

Dimitri is only 3 but he also has a few quirky anxieties.  Bees terrify him.  Flies terrify him. Even the sound of buzzing terrifies him.  (I have to do some pretty serious convincing for him to allow me to use the electric clippers on his hair.)  So naturally one of Athena's favorite things to do is chase him around the house making buzzing noises. Somehow the whole empathy thing doesn't extend to her 3 year old brother.  I think it's because gifted children are children first and gifties second.  Even with all their extra knowledge and emotions for the majority of the time they still act like the 3 and 4 year olds they are.



P.S. I wholeheartedly recommend GEOPuzzles.  We love them!  And you can get them here:

(This is an affiliate link.  If you'd like to buy GEOPuzzles without going through an affiliate link you can find them at www.geotoystore.com)

Where Do Gifties Come From?

At first I believed giftedness was something you could create in your children if you were enthusiastic about teaching them and providing an environment that fostered a love of learning.  However,  after doing some research I'm not so sure anymore...

I mentioned the Doman method. Their website is www.glenndomanonline.com 

Introduction

Hi! I'm Ellie.  I'm not an expert on giftedness.  I'm just a mom with a couple of gifted kids and a whole lot of stories.

Last year a friend suggested I get my son, Dimitri (names changed to protect identity) tested for giftedness.  I knew he was intellectually far far ahead of the kids his age but I had seen gifted kids on Ellen, in the news or YouTube and the vibe I got was (and I may have totally made this up) that their parents were using them to get fame.  That's the last thing I wanted to do so I kept pretty quiet about the incredible things my kids were saying and doing.  I made an effort to pretend that they were "normal" and to downplay their achievements.

But because I'm so enthusiastic about parenting my kids and so fascinated by them it's been hard to stay quiet.  I love to watch them learn new skills, new words, new ways of saying things.  I love to watch them discover new ideas and suddenly grasp concepts they were too young to grasp just months ago.  I'm enthralled by their ability to learn so quickly and their love of learning.  So every once in awhile in the company of close friends and family I'd find myself enthusiastically sharing stories about my kids because it's so hard not to! But for the most part I kept quiet about them.

After my friend suggested getting Dimitri tested for giftedness I did a little poking around on Google but what I found confused me.  People were talking about how "challenging" gifted kids are and asking where to get a good psychologist for their gifted daughter and talking about their "twice exceptional" child who had dyslexia and dysgraphia.  What? I thought a gifted child was simply a child that everything (or at least many things) came easy to!  I hadn't experienced any challenges resulting from the giftedness of my children.  Why would a gifted child need a psychologist?  What the heck did "twice exceptional" mean?  Instead of digging deeper for the answers I just figured everyone writing about gifted kids was crazy or that my kids were just a different kind of gifted.  The good kind of gifted.  So I dropped the subject and moved on.

Months and months later I came across a book at a library that triggered in me a desire to take a second look at giftedness. It was about advocating for your gifted child to help them get the type of education that's right for them. The book answered a lot of my questions and so did a few TEDx talks and some YouTube videos I watched after reading the book.  They all served to fill in the gaps for me.  There isn't a good gifted and a bad gifted.  There is just gifted.  Gifties brains simply work differently and that produces "good" outcomes like intense curiosity, a strong memory, ability to learn quickly and feel deeply.  It also can result in challenges like boredom, loneliness, depression, perfectionism, extreme criticism of others, and anxiety.  These especially occur in situations where the gifted person is bullied and shamed for being different by their family or peers.

Which brings me to why I decided to start this blog. Without support and acceptance gifted children can feel so isolated, so misunderstood, so depressed and lonely that many of them start cutting, abusing substances or in some cases use their abilities to take revenge on those who have hurt them.

I thought I was #1 being humble and #2 doing my kids a favor by downplaying their successes and trying to make other people think that they are "normal."  In reality I was sending them a message that they are different and that those differences are something to be ashamed of and hidden.  Ugh. I'm ready to throw out that old message and exchange it for a new one.  A message that says that we're all different and all of us have gifts and talents that ought to be celebrated, even when those gifts and talents come in such a beautiful and wondrous form that they make some people feel uncomfortable.

This blog is my way of celebrating gifted children.  I want to support my little Gifties so that they can find joy in being who they are and have the strength to ignore the haters who would try to shame or isolate them for it.  I'm not going to play my kids talents down in an effort to help everyone else feel good about their kids anymore.  You should feel good about your kids! Gifties or not.  Each child deserves to have their life, loves, and gifts celebrated and that includes our little Gifties.


<3 Ellie